


The Sound of Summer

by psychosaur



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Adulthood, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Growing Old Together, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Memory Loss, Old Age, Old Married Couple, Older Characters, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:49:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25185910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychosaur/pseuds/psychosaur
Summary: Life is good when you’re 70 years old, lived an accomplished life and grew old with the love of your life. Everything is perfect.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 26
Kudos: 60





	The Sound of Summer

**Author's Note:**

> First fic ever! I am deeply gratified to you, who found an interest in clicking this. Thank you! Have fun!

The sound of summer brings ataraxia— the state of blissful and serene calmness. It is the crashing of the waves, the splashing of sea water as kids play, accompanied by light bursts of giggles—speaking of kids, Kōtarō and Keiji had not dared to bear— noise coming from portable radios, occasional bike bells and the gushing of wind.

But for Keiji and Kōtarō, it was each other’s breathing and presence.

The sun’s beaming and golden illumination was the paragon of Kōtarō’s soul windows— his eyes— but Keiji preferred to allude to them as such for they reflect his husband’s beaming nature. They were indeed beautiful. It’s been a habit of Keiji to stare at Kōtarō’s eyes lovingly, especially when the latter’s mind is idly wandering and he’s staring into the myriad shades of yellow, orange and blue in front of them.

Even if his lover’s skin manifested old age— lined, wrinkled and saggy— his eyes still exhibited youth. They were an instrument of perception that witnessed everything. From the moment their eyes locked when they first met, when Kōtarō confessed and saw how Keiji’s face turned a faint shade of red, how he looked at Keiji’s lips as a prompt for them to kiss, how he catches his lover stealing glances from him whenever they were in court practicing volleyball, how Keiji cried tears of joy when he proposed, how his now-husband was grinning ear to ear when they wedded and how Kōtarō observed their fleeting life, passing by throughout the years, with so much joy and contentment.

The lovers were currently eased on the wooden couple rocking chair in their front porch, hand in hand, and feeling the quiet and slightly cold January breeze nimbly touching their skin as they observed the sun rouse from its temporary sleep during the night.

“Ji, I really do think we’re made for each other, ‘no?” Kōtarō uttered, eyes still fixed on the view of the beach.

“We’ve been married for so long, what makes you say that now?” Keiji replied, and just the same, not wavering his sight from the gradual awakening of the sun.

“Well, you always pointed out how my eyes were like the color of the sun. Well, yours are some sort of gunmetal blue— quite like the deep ocean. When I stare into your eyes, I even get lost— or drown— in them! And we chose to live here, by this wonderful beach, and when we wake up, we watch the sun and the ocean finally meet! It’s like staring into our own eyes, ain’t that fantastic?!” he exclaimed.

Keiji nodded and a faint smile ghosted over his face. “It really is fantastic.” He replied, and squeezed their hands even tighter.

That’s how mornings were for them, ever since they retired and bought a quaint and simple little cottage by the beach. Short, yet endearing talks, hands clasped together, silence filled in by the rustling of trees, the sound of the crashing waves and how it’s pulled back by the sea, and the faint fluttering of birds’ wings.

After their early morning routine, Keiji slowly and carefully stood up, placing a hand on Kōtarō’s shoulder, while the latter supported his back.

He went inside their little white house, leaving his husband still silently watching outside, and into their country-themed kitchen. Wooden flooring, brick walls, even more white and baby blue accents on the cabinets and shelves. Ji was the delegated cook for that morning, so he prepared steamed rice, miso soup and grilled fish.

They shared another peaceful moment while eating. Only the sound of their chopsticks, chewing and slurping can be heard. They don’t run out of conversations, the couple just preferred silent mornings that gave comfort and tranquility.

The rest of the day was just doing mundane things— stealing small pecks from one another, the occasional tickling and teasing, and busying themselves with their lifelong hobbies.

Keiji has always been fond of writing. Indeed, that carried on until now. He’d log his writings about life philosophies, living by the beach—anything he could think of, he spilled his heart and soul into the ink of the pen and pages of his notebook. Kōtarō on the other hand, after retiring from his pro volleyball career, has found a liking to studying beetles. Despite having a profound knowledge on the insect, he wouldn’t consider himself a coleopterist. Just a “Super Loving Beetle Man”, in his own words.

While Ji spends his afternoon writing, Kōtarō would be outside their home, screaming, “hey, hey, hey!” to every beetle he sees and would hold open his palms, waiting for the insect to willingly crawl towards his invitation. He would then observe it for some minutes, doing his best to replicate the miniscule creature by drawing them on his notebook and setting it free. After that, he would flip through the pages of his collected books on beetles, and try to identify what kind was the one he just saw.

“Ah, that one was from the family of Scarabaeidae. It was stout and had, I’m not quite sure if it was a lamellate or flabellate antennae. Perhaps it was the common Japanese scarab. Mhm.” He said to himself and scribbled more notes on his pad.

This is how afternoons were for them. Fixated on their hobbies, but still stealing glances from time to time. And when their eyes meet, Kōtarō would either scrunch up his nose, to which Keiji always finds delight and would let out a small chuckle, and go back to writing or a try-hard wink that still makes Keiji’s heart flutter.

Life is good when you’re 70 years old, lived an accomplished life and grew old with the love of your life. Everything is perfect.

-

Bright light glistened upon Keiji and Kōtarō’s cheeks one morning, indicating that it’s past their usual sunrise by the beach ritual every morning. But the taller man dismissed this thought and pulled in his little spoon, who was facing away from him, even closer. To which the other stirred from his sleep and faced the ivory-haired big spoon.

“Morning, darling.” Kōtarō tenderly said, looking at his dream man, who’s also become his reality.

Keiji didn’t reply. Instead, he snuggled even closer and nestled his head on his husband’s shoulder, and gave a quick peck on the other’s jawline. And they spent the whole morning idly lingering like so.

In the afternoon, Kōtarō invited Keiji for a stroll on the beach, in which the other didn’t find any fault to, so he agreed.

The lovebirds, swinging their intertwined hands, sauntered to no particular direction.

They aimlessly wandered like that for a couple minutes. When they grew tired, both of them sat on the hot sand, Kōtarō behind Keiji, with his hands encircled on Keiji’s chest.

“Kō, do you still remember the song we loved slow dancing to?” The dark haired man asked.

“‘Course. Always With Me from our favorite Spirited Away, right? How could I forget, silly!”

-

Weeks flew by swiftly, doing what they normally do, cherishing each moment with each other. The usual. Except, it was almost their 40th wedding anniversary.

Kōtarō, since the beach stroll, has spent his time planning the perfect way to celebrate. It wasn’t in their nature to be elaborate in events like these, but he tried to make it a little more special and intimate. Kōtarō called Kenma, his best friend Kuroo’s partner, and asked if he could borrow their yacht for the celebration.

“Sure. Just go to Port X and look for the man with the details I’ll send you. He’ll know who you are. Leave it to me.”

“You’re the best, Kenma!!! Say hi to Tets for me ‘kay?! Have fun you two! But not too much because I’m still gonna eat the rich, and that includes both of you!!!”

Kenma let out a small chuckle, “Alright. See you whenever. Oh and congrats.” and hung up the phone.

“Hey, Keiji! I’ll leave for a while, ‘kay!” Kōtarō exclaimed, loud enough for Keiji, who’s reading a book while plopped on the baby blue sofa.

“Where are you going?” He asked, while looking in the direction of Kōtarō who was wearing his slippers, preparing to leave.

“...”

“Okay, just take care.” and then went back to read.

Kōtarō walked to Port X, not quite far away from their home. It was a little over 5 minute walk. He doesn’t sweat it. He was a pro athlete in his prime years anyway. And up until now, he was still in good shape. He’s quite muscular and healthier-looking compared to men his age.

When he reached the port, he followed as Kenma instructed and notified the man in charge as to how to go about the plans on the certain date. The young boatman eagerly agreed with much enthusiasm, almost as if reflecting how excited the old man is.

“Damn! Forty years, huh? I’ll look forward to that! Congrats and see you soon! Take care!”

Kōtarō saluted and beamed at the young man and went back home.

-

Finally, it was the most-awaited day.

“Ji, you always look good but it’s our special day today, so you should look extra special too, not that you don’t look extra special everyday but-”

Keiji laughs, “Don’t worry. I get it, Bokuto-san.”

“I missed that.”

“Just like the old days.” Ji lets a faint smile creep up his lips.

Both of them spent the entire morning doing the usual routine. But when the clock hit 2 PM, Kōtarō reminded Keiji of their plans.

“What?” Ji asked.

“Our celebration.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

They both shuffled to their shared room and looked for clothes fit for the occasion. But Kōtarō proceeds to the bathroom to change, for thrill and surprise’s sake.

He chose a floral top, khaki shorts, simple slippers and even accessorized himself with shades and a summer hat-- when Kō was already pleased with how he looked, he went outside of the bathroom to see his husband waiting for him to finish.

He was wearing a suit and tie. Indeed, he looked stunning.

“Ji, you look beautiful as ever. But our thing is from 3 PM until before the sun sets. I told you that, yeah? C’mon let’s look for something more comfortable.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

Kōtarō rummaged through Keiji’s clothes and when he saw an appropriate set, he handed it over to Keiji and waited for him to get ready.

“Hey, hey, hey! There we go! C’mon, c’mon!” Kōtarō excitedly blurted out, held Keiji’s hand and hurriedly but carefully sped walked outside, where the average-sized yacht was waiting for the couple.

They hopped on and let Ito control the course of their trip.

There was already a built-in table on the mobile, to which they just covered with a navy blue cloth. Their snacks were lightly packed in a Coleman that Kō neatly prepared on the table when the yacht stopped in the middle of the sea, not really far from the coastline.

“When did you plan all of this?”

“Hmm. A few days after our beach stroll! D’ya like it? Hm, Akaashi? D’ya like it?” Kōtarō nudged Keiji.

“Of course, Kō. It’s wonderful!” Both of them smiled.

“Let’s eat! I’m sooo hungry!”

And so they did. The couple indulge themselves with snacks, sitting side by side and laughing while reminiscing their memories and moments.

“Say aaah, ‘Ji.” Kō said, while holding an onigiri in front of Keiji’s mouth.

He complied and munched on the onigiri.

“This is real tasty!”

“Woo, I’m glad! I asked for Myaa-sam’s recipe! He he!!!” Kōtarō proudly declared. And grinned as if he did a service ace back in the day.

“So… when?”

“When what, Ji?”

“When did you plan all of this?”

“I already told ya earlier, after our beach stroll.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

Kōtarō was quite suspicious, but he shrugged off the thoughts. He must merely be preoccupied.

The two spent the rest of the time eating, throwing stories back and forth all while enveloped in each other’s arms. When Keiji says something endearing, Kōtarō would kiss his forehead. But all the things Keiji says, Kōtarō finds endearing, so he would earn a peck every 30 seconds.

The time passed by smoothly and swiftly. Next thing they know, it’s almost getting dark. Which Ito discerns as a prompt to go back to the shore.

The couple earnestly showered Ito with gratifying words to which Ito simply gave them a genuine smile.

They held hands as they went back inside their house.

“Thank you, Kō. You make me the happiest man ever. I’ll never forget this day.”

How they lasted so long, both of them couldn’t even begin to believe and imagine. Perhaps they just loved each other so much that it’d take 10 lifetimes for them to run out of adoration for each other. But even then, they’d find another reason to fall in love over again.

It was the kind of love that was ethereal. Too good for this world. It was as if from the very first microseconds of the Universe, their atoms had already conspired to meet each other. That, they wouldn’t know. But what they’re sure of, is that they’re lives were meant to cross, and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Life is good when you’re 70 years old, lived an accomplished life and grew old with the love of your life. Everything is perfect.

-

The following day, Kōtarō called Kenma through video call. He told the CEO how much he was grateful and he couldn’t thank him enough. Suddenly, Kuroo showed up on screen, putting a hand around Kenma. “Oya, oya, oya?” Kōtarō was delighted to see his best friend. Kuroo didn’t change much either. Just like everyone, he was marked with old age, a little wrinkles here and there— still, he looked healthy.

“Hey hey hey!!! How are you!” Kōtarō was so loud. Akaashi, seated beside him on the sofa, was just quietly reading a book. Though he didn’t mind the tumultuous noise of his husband. In fact, he liked it.

“Ah, youth. You’re still the head-over-heels husband, eh?” Tetsuro teased.

“‘Course!!! I love my ‘Kaashi a lot y’know!!! I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And and, I could also say the same for you!!! You were the one who agreed to have a gaming room in their penthouse, how ‘bout that?” Kōtarō retorted and they burst into wild laughter like mad men. Nothing was particularly hilarious, both of their energies would just skyrocket at the sight of each other and fill the room with endless boisterous laughter.

“Oh, Keiji, say hi to Tetsu!!!”

He just stared at Kōtarō with a questioning look.

“Tetsurō Kuroo? Remember? My best friend!!!” He exclaimed with a grin, but is accompanied by worried eyes.

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

Akaashi showed up on the screen, plastered with a polite smile and waved at the man.

The next half hour was filled with friendly banter, roaring laughter and endless inside jokes. Whatever they were talking about and the identity of the said best friend, Keiji didn’t know. But he liked how the bed-haired man kept his husband company.

-

A few weeks drifted by smoothly since their anniversary and the call with the Kuroos. Although Keiji enjoyed the simple and domestic life with Kōtarō, he was itching to visit the meadows. It’s been quite a while since they basked under the sun there.

Kōtarō, with a rose-colored apron on, was merrily sweeping the floor, was taken aback as his husband called him.

His thick white eyebrows shot up above his yellow hues, “Yeah?”

“L-let’s… visit the meadows today.”

His whole face lit up, as if it wasn’t already bright enough.

“‘Kaashi! I thought you’d never ask! Let’s go there while it’s still early!” His eyes looked at the clock. “Be ready before 9 AM, alright!”

“Yup, great.”

Kōtarō hurriedly changed into casual clothes as he wanted to prepare a picnic for his lover. While spreading mayonnaise on their sandwiches, Keiji creeped out the door, wearing long sleeves and pants.

“You ready, Kō?”

“Silly, Keiji! Let’s go back inside and have your clothes changed. Look, it’s sooo hot outside!” He posed as if he was in the painting of The Scream by Edvard Munch.

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

-

Kō was carrying a basket in one hand, and clasping Keiji’s hand on the other. Keiji also brought his phone and a small speaker. The old couple walked side by side for a little over 10 minutes to reach the meadows.

Their eyes were welcomed by a plethora of pastureland. Almost everything was green. It was heavily vegetated by grass, flowers of different hues and kinds— it was exactly like before.

The taller man laid out a picnic blanket and slowly sat down. Keiji followed.

“Remember when we went here and you did a cartwheel but you accidentally hit a beehive and we ended up running back home?” Keiji reminisced.

“Stop reminding me of that, ‘Kaashi!” Kōtarō whined but they both ended up bursting in a loud fit of laughter.

“Well! Remember that time we went here and you tried to roll on the grass but you didn’t notice a mud puddle so you ended up there?! That was not so gracious of you ‘Kaashi!!!” Kō accusingly pointed at Keiji, who ended up laughing anyway.

Tears streamed out of both their eyes as they recalled the funny things and quirks they did when they were younger. Their stomachs hurt so much from it that they laid down on the blanket and gazed at the clear sky above them.

“Kō…”

“Hmm?”

“Remember when we went here and you did a cartwheel but you accidentally hit a beehive and we ended up running back home? That was really funny.” Keiji chuckled.

Kōtarō remained silent.

He faced his four-eyed lover and looked at him with a mix of concern and suspicion.

“Is there anything wrong, Ji?”

Kōtarō’s question stopped Keiji from chuckling. This time, he faced him too.

“No...why?”

“Nothing…”

“How about let’s suppress that embarrassing memory and replace it with a good one!” Ji exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Huuuh? What’re you planning?!” Kōtarō grinned with wide eyes.

“You’ll see.”

Keiji tried his best to sit up slowly and Kō did it with ease. He turned on his phone and connected it to the speaker. Played a familiar tune and stood up. The taller man followed.

“Dance with me again.”

The dark-haired man wrapped his arms around his lover’s neck and rested his head on Kō’s chest while the taller one, around Keiji’s hips.

_A voice calls softly_  
_It calls from within_  
_To trust my steps_  
_And to keep on dreaming_

_Around night falls and all turns to gray_  
_But I hold a light to light my way_

_The sky is clear blue_  
_No matter what we do_  
_The road is long_  
_But I see the light_  
_That shines at the end_  
_The arms reaching in_  
_I know that you are waiting for me…_

The taller man settled his lips on Keiji’s hair and pulled him closer.

_Around night falls and all turns to gray_  
_But I hold a light deep in my heart_  
_I knew you were waiting right from the start_

“Better?” Keiji looked up at his soul mate.

Kōtarō cupped Keiji’s face and kissed his forehead. “Much better.”

-

The couple shared more mornings together, and 5 months has passed since their date in the meadows. Keiji was just sitting down on the sofa and swaying slightly as he watched their white vinyl player move as it echoed Classical music in their home. Kōtarō, on the other hand, was on the other end of the sofa, laptop on his thighs and catching up on their old friends.

Kō enthusiastically answered the group video call invitation of their high school volleyball teammates.

“Heyyy! Heyyy! Heyyy!!!”

“Still loud as ever, huh?” a dirty-blonde haired man said.

“Konoha!!!”

“You just proved my point.”

As the laughter died down, Washio, still sporting his black spiky hair— although tinted with a few white strands— hinted, “So when’s our reunion?”

“Right!!! When are you all free? And where?” Sarukui bugged.

“Anytime, anywhere.” Onaga announced.

“That’s my boy!!!” Komi joked. Everyone bursted in a fit of laughter. They were all physically indicated with maturity, but their hearts still screamed youth.

“How ‘bout our Captains? The two Bokutos?”

“Oh yeah, sure! Let me ask Akaash-”

“Something wrong, Kō?” One of them asked.

“He was just here earlier. Hold up, let me look for him. I’ll call you back!!!” Kōtarō tried to sound unbothered and left the virtual reunion.

“‘Kaashi!!! Where are you?” He shouted gently.

No response.

Their home was just one floor, and around 50 square meters, so it was impossible for them to not hear each other.

Perhaps he’s not here. He probably went outside. Kōtarō tried to calm himself and rationalize. But panic is starting to creep up in his sytem.

True enough, Keiji was just staring into the horizon and listening to the crashing waves.

“Ji! I was worried!”

Keiji still didn’t look at him.

Kōtarō walked towards the man whose back faced him.

Keiji made no reply and just went on with staring into nothingness.

“Hey, is there something wrong?” Kōtarō now sounds concerned and gentle.

“No, nothing. What made you say so?” Ji replied.

“You’re extra quiet… what are you doing outside, anyway?”

“I...needed to go to the bathroom… I-I got lost, perhaps…”

As Keiji’s quiet response reached Kōtarō’s ears, he started trembling. He clenched his fist and closed his eyes in frustration. Once he calmed down, he looked at the man beside him.

“Darling, look at me please.” Kō sounded quite desperate. He held Keiji’s chin so their eyes could meet.

“I can’t help but worry, Keiji. Lately you’ve been… quite forgetful.”

“It’s nothing. Don’t get worked up about it.”

“How could I not panic when it comes to you and your health? Let’s have you checked, please? Hm? Would you do it for me?”

“For what? There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s normal.”

“Keiji, stop being stubborn. You always took care of me and I want to do the same! Let me do it this time, please?”

“Kō, I already told you-”

The taller man pressed their faces closer and whispered on Keiji’s temple, “I can read through you ‘Ji. I just want to be sure.”

“Alright.”

As promised, in the afternoon, they drove to the most reputable hospital in their area.

They both disliked hospitals. It was dreary, cold and desolate But they had to. Frigid atmosphere surrounded them as they paced their way through the hallway, trying to locate the room of a certain Dr. Kenjirō Shirabu.

He was probably the same age as them, still continuing his profession. Stubborn old man. He sported copper hair, parted unevenly.

They exchanged pleasantries and sat down in front of the doctor. Kōtarō was doing all the talking as he consulted Dr. Shirabu and recounted what had been happening. The doctor nodded, trying to affirm in his head the disease that fit Kōtarō’s descriptions.

“Alzheimers. Mild cognitive impairment stage. Currently, it still doesn’t have a cure, just medications to temporarily prevent the worsening of dementia symptoms. Coincidentally, our laboratory is currently working on something to cure it. I won’t get your hopes up, but I’ll try to provide you with the best I can.” The doctor straightforwardly said.

They thanked Dr. Shirabu and left the hospital without uttering a single word.

When they arrived home, Kōtarō was unlike his usual self. He was downcasted. He already had a gut feeling but it’s still different when a professional confirms it to you. It’s worse than being slapped. It felt more like an explosion— an awakening— but not the good kind.

Kō sat on their sofa, to which Keiji followed. They were silent. Their surroundings seemed to cooperate with how they felt as there’s absolutely no noise that dared to disrupt the gloomy atmosphere.

Dejected and staring at no particular object, Kōtarō was distracted as Keiji broke the stillness. “You know what that means, right?”

“What do you mean, Keiji?! No I don’t!” he replied with disbelief.

“It’ll only be a matter of a couple years and I’d be gone. It’s like that, Bokuto-san.” Keiji’s voice was devoid of emotion, just as his eyes.

Kōtarō enfolded his lover into a tight, warm embrace. “N-no… don’t you… dare say that. I’ll pour my life’s earnings just to get the best medical attention for you.” His voice was shaky but still managed to get his point across.

“You know that’s impossible, Kō. All your efforts will just be put to waste. There’s no cure yet. The doctor clearly said it. We’ll just have to wait and see. And cherish whatever’s in front of us.”

Kōtarō knew what Keiji said was true. But he still had a hard time accepting it. He wanted to scream, he didn’t know what to do— but his body seemed to betray him as he didn’t have the energy to do so. The news was like a vacuum that drained whatever’s left in him. In response, he just held Keiji tighter and that’s how they fell asleep on the sofa.

-

Weeks flew by and it wasn’t all that bad. Keiji still continued on with his reading and writing, while Kōtarō with his beetle-hunting.

The former’s condition was worsening, but it was gradual and limited to little things such as forgetting plans, repeating questions, wearing clothes inappropriate for the weather and difficulty recognizing a few people.

Holding on to the conversation they had a few months ago, the ivory-haired really is trying his best to cherish the little moments with his lover.

Which is why, Kōtarō planned more activities for them. They’ve practically done everything together but anything they do, it felt enjoyable as long as they’re together.

For today, he’ll bring Keiji to the Fukurodani volleyball team reunion. Their planned meeting place was a little over 3 hours travel. So he’d hired a driver and booked a hotel just in case nightfall starts to creep in and they haven’t gone back home.

The whole morning they’d prepared their things so they could leave before 10 AM.

“You ready, ‘Kaashi?”

“Mhm. Almost. Just looking for my glasses.”

They spent another 10 minutes locating the mystery of the lost glasses.

“Here! It’s under the table! How’d it get here? Are you trying dog stunts now, ‘Ji? Should’ve done that when we were still in our prime, y’know!” Kōtarō joked, but distress still made its way in his attempt to humor Keiji.

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

-

During the whole car ride the couple was silent. Just the radio, aircon, engine and the driver’s maneuvering can be heard. They were both seated on the opposite ends of the back seat, just beside the window, hands intertwined to each other and observing the scenery outside. They were so accustomed to the beach life that leaving for the city brought some sense of discomfort. But they haven’t physically seen their group for a little over a decade, so a little sacrifice would be nice.

As they stepped foot inside the restaurant, they were immediately recognized by the bunch and started their vivacious and hospitable shouts of welcoming and acknowledgement.

Everyone was there— _it was just like the old days_ , Kōtarō thought to himself. It’s as if he can see the team in front of him now, morph into how they looked like when they were still in high school.

The couple sat down and they were welcomed with arms flinging to their bodies, tight hugs, some even smacked their backs, others friendly nods and handshakes. To which they answered with smiles and chuckles.

“Oy, Capt! You haven’t been giving ‘Kaashi a hard time eh? No more emo modes?” Komi teased, and the others roared with laughter. They knew how Kōtarō can be quite difficult when he had those.

“Hey!!! Of all the things you’d remember me by, it’s that?! I’m more than my emo modes and y’know that! How ‘bout let’s talk about how I’m the second best captain and being a normal ace?” He proudly declared.

“For a man who thinks he’s always the best, you’re a tiny bit humble about the part where you’re just the second best captain, huh? Sarukui retorted.

“My ‘Kaashi’s the best, of course! He was so smart and he’s a year younger than me and he’s already Co-Capt! Not to mention, he’s a skilled setter and really pretty too but that’s besides the point.”

Everyone squealed and made fun of the couple to which they just chuckled.

“Too sweet! I wonder how Konoha was able to put up with you two as he’s always the third wheel!” Washio poked.

“It’s fine. I got free food anyway.” then a wild burst of laughter.

The conversation went on for a couple more hours, revolving around each individual’s lives and catching up about everything, reminiscing their high school crazy antics, and basically acting like the wacky men they are.

Keiji would often just let out a short cackle. Not because it wasn’t funny, it’s because… he can’t recall some of the things they’re talking about. The others didn’t seem to mind but Kōtarō notices when the man on his right is getting a little out of place, so he would squeeze his arm in hopes of reassuring him.

During the entirety of the conversation, there are some stories that Keiji can’t recall anymore, so Kōtarō would do his best to quietly explain them. But Ji’s questions got more and more repetitive, and he would still very patiently expound.

_His health is plummeting._

Although the couple has this underlying concern, they did their best to conceal it from everyone, and to their luck, nobody really noticed.

Finally, they all exchanged their farewells and see-you-laters. As soon as the couple went back inside the car, Kōtarō asked, “Have you been taking your medications, Keiji?”

“I...think so. I mean… I’ve been trying.”

_Crap. I should’ve been more responsible and see for myself if he really has been doing it. Me too, Keiji, I’ve been trying to be more hands on. I really am._

_I’m trying, too._

A sigh escaped from Kōtarō’s lips.

-

The morning after, it seemed as though Keiji had been losing more things. They would find it in the most obscure places, not knowing how and when it got there.

His condition was plummeting at high speed. And they can’t do anything about it. No news from the Doctor, just weekly phone check ups and monthly physical check ups. But still, nothing.

Kōtarō could mutter all the profanities in this world, but it’d be futile. So he remained defeated and helpless.

Silence filled the air during their drive home. Worry ensued in Kōtarō's whole being. Worry for something inevitable and vulnerable. Something beyond his control.

What can he do, anyway? He’s a mere human being with no knowledge on medicine.

As they arrived home, Keiji, as quickly as he could, dashed out of the car and into their home. Kōtarō tried calling him, but to no avail, he was fixed on accomplishing whatever it was he sprinted for.

Kōtarō was met with a crafting Keiji, cutting pieces of paper, writing little scribbles and pasting them on his notebook. The taller man could only find the scene endearing, so he asks, “what artsy thing are you onto, ‘Ji?”

The latter only panics and hides his craft. “Nothing.”

Kōtarō doesn’t insist but his curiosity never left him.

As Keiji was taking his afternoon nap, Kōtarō couldn’t help but meddle. He tried to look for what his husband was working on earlier. When he finally found it, he quickly flipped it open and saw cut out photos of everyone they knew— old team photos, ones with MSBY, some of Kuroo and Kenma. Their names were written beside their photos. No, it wasn’t endearing as he first thought. It was troubling. Alarming. Memories, people, things, places were slowly fading and slipping away from Keiji’s mind.

His mind’s deterioration is going at a high speed. And so is Kōtarō’s time with his other half.

-

Spooning Keiji, Kōtarō woke up as his husband shook him excitingly. When he opened his eyes, he was greeted with a beaming Keiji, “let’s swim on the beach today!”

Kōtarō appreciated the initiative. It wasn’t always that Keiji would invite out to do something but…

“Keiji, I would really really love to, but.. Snowflakes are falling and... winter is starting.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

-

Another year has passed and it’s winter again. But it doesn’t matter for Kōtarō. It felt like a whole year of winter, anyway.

Keiji, according to Dr. Shirabu, experienced moderate dementia for the past year. Its symptoms may include forgetting what season it is. For Keiji, he’s in a state of mind and is blissfully unaware that it’s not summer all year long. But he’d always want to bask under the sun, even if it’s already freezing. Another would be forgetting the names of simple objects. A pen is what you call a metal tool with ink that you use to write. It’s even something he lived with almost all his life, being an avid writer and literature student. But now, it’s just “the thing.” However, as he is now, Keiji is slowly entering the vestibule of severe dementia. Aside from the mental decline, his body is slowly failing him, too.

Their days turned into nights. Their usual morning by the beach small talks ceased to happen as Keiji found comfort in the looming darkness of the night and spend his waking hours in it. A completely thrown off Circadian rhythm.

The older man adapts and complies to Keiji’s needs. He has to take care of him, after all. Even though Keiji refuses, Kōtarō manages to seep his way into convincing his husband.

Kōtarō loved Keiji. Much more than his own life, even. It is an indisputable fact. But Kōtarō found it possible to love him even more. Not that he hasn’t reached his love-for-Keiji-meter, but it’s the kind of love where the other is vulnerable, so you decide to love yourself more so you could be strong for both of you.

“Keiji… let’s eat?” Kōtarō asked tenderly.

“Later.” Cold. Unnerving. Blank.

Keiji’s simple declaration brought a pang in Kō’s chest. What was once a polite and warm Keiji, is now a distant and unwelcoming one.

This is normal. That’s what they said. But this new normal is just too much to bear.

_Heaven knows I’m miserable now, what more do they want?_

“Please?” He pleaded as he stared at the thinning man in front of him. His hair is almost completely white with the lack of dyeing and care.

He heaves a sigh before answering, “fine.”

Keiji was still quite mobile, he can lift the spoon slowly but surely. However his voice box refuses to make a sound and hold a proper conversation with his husband. It seems as though he would break down in front of him if he utters a single word.

Kōtarō being the caring, though insistent, husband he is, kept pleading and questioning Keiji.

“Did I do something wrong, darling?”

“No. It’s not you.”

“Then what is it?”

_Silence_.

“Talk to me, please. Say something. Anything.”

“I said it’s not you! I’m the problem!” Keiji shouted as the sound of falling utensils resounded the room. Both of them were taken aback, eyes wide with his sudden outburst.

Keiji was blunt, but is a contemptuous one. He would never shout at people, but this time it’s a different case.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but Keiji was more intent on releasing his emotions. He slowly stood up, avoiding Kōtarō’s gaze and rushed towards the living room where his “notebook of memories” resided. He hastily flipped through the pages, tears creeping their way in his eyes.

“I-it’s not you… it’ll never be you. I just...“ He wipes his tears with his hand. “I just want… to remember. I hate that at this point, I forget the littlest things. The simplest damn things. But I don’t want to. Kōtarō, I’m scared that one day, even your memory will slowly slip from my mind. And that’s the worst thing that could happen to me! You’re the last thing I ever want to forget. I can’t bear the idea of staring at you with blank eyes trying to decipher your identity. Feeling safe but no sense of familiarity. What’ll I be, then, Kō? I’m like a person devoid of a home. You’re my home, Kō.” He rambled in between sobs. It was hard to utter all of that, but he had to.

Keiji kept flipping through the pages of the notebook, trying to recognize the cut out photos, trying to memorize the names, trying to feel something, trying to remember.

_Trying_ …

“I just want to remember.” Keiji’s voice cracks.

Kōtarō could only stare at his sobbing husband.

_Do something._

It pains him to see the love of his life, rambling about the sheer amount of information he retained in his mind. It pains him more than anything.

_The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. It’s being forgotten by someone you would never forget._

“Hey...uh, K-Keiji?”

The shorter man looks up with bloodshot eyes, giving his husband a curious look.

Kōtarō offered out his hand to Keiji and helped him stand up as a familiar melody, coming from their vinyl player filled the room.

They lightly swayed to the music of Always With Me. As its soft and appeasing tune resounded their home, Kōtarō placed his forehead on Keiji’s and quietly said, “Don’t you… ever forget about… this one. Us.”

“Never.”

_Please don’t ever break that promise._

-

Everything was hastily happening, progressively worsening and painfully agonizing.

The tall, smiley man was merely a presence that took care of him. How Keiji ended up with this old guy in the same hospital room, he doesn’t know. He says he’s Keiji’s husband and he takes care of him, so how could he complain?

-

He woke up one evening, body covered in cold sweat, and opening his eyes to an unfamiliar white room. Although it felt comfortable, he doesn’t know where he is, what he’s doing there nor whose footsteps, slowly increasing in volume, he was hearing, nor the shadow of the man who the footsteps belonged to, creeping under the small crack of the door.

_Who am I?_

_What am I doing here?_

_What day is it?_

Simple questions, even answerable by kids, to say the least, he couldn’t find in himself to process an answer.

Before he could even attempt to come up and fabricate a mental response to ease him, the door quietly opened and spat a towering man, white hair, golden eyes, pale, not as thin as him, and with a beaming smile plastered on his face.

“Keiji! Great news! Dr. Shirabu said they might have a cure for Alzheimer’s! Well, it’s not a hundred percent sure, perhaps 90? 80? I’m not a Doctor but that sounds great, yeah? Let’s go there first thing tomorrow! Isn’t that great?” The man expressed delightedly.

_Is that why I can’t remember anything? I have Alzheimer’s? Well, yeah. That explains it._

In contrast to the bright, sunny smile of the man in front of him, Keiji just replied with a glacial, blank stare.

“...’Ji?” The tall man shoots him with concerned eyes, his then, glittering golden eyes now dull. As if he’s realized something.  
Something heartbreaking.

Still, he makes no reply. Careful, he was with his words, so as to not suddenly blurt out anything that would disturb the vulnerable atmosphere around them.

The air was silent. The only sound that can be heard was the footsteps of the man slowly walking closer to him. He lets himself sit down on the bed, in front of Keji and wraps his arms around him.

A sob escaped the tall man’s lips and tried to utter, “you… said you would never forget…”

_But what can he do, really?_

He just let his so-called husband weep as he stared into nothingness.

The same eyes that Keiji once adored, he couldn’t anymore recognize. The same golden eyes that twinkled at the sight of Keiji were now dull, filled with pain and anguish. The same eyes that witnessed their love bloom, were also the ones that carried the burden of observing his lover slowly drifting away from him, slowly slipping, slowly… forgetting him.

-

As promised, the following evening, they went to the hospital to have Keiji examined and confined. Kōtarō, despite not being recognized by the man he adored, still put on a strong and smiling facade, as if he didn’t just bawl his eyes the night before. He was with Keiji every step of the way and did all the talking.

He recounted how Keiji’s mental decline went down. That time he broke down one evening, frustrated because he was trying to remember, so they slowly danced to their favorite song, he was fine then, but three weeks after that endearing moment, memories eventually faded and even his physical state was diminishing.

Keiji needed to be confined for at least a year, and receive weekly vaccines in hopes of alleviating his physical condition, and reverse the effects of his disease to the mental damage it did to his brain, although not entirely.

-

Kōtarō was preparing himself as he was about to leave to go to the hospital. He straightened the creases of his shirt using his hands and he was good to go. Keiji’s usual schedule, according to the caregiver, was that he wakes up at 7 PM, needs to be fed at 7:30, bathed by 8:00, schedule empty from then on until he falls asleep at 5 AM. Kōtarō‘s offer for help was always rejected by Keiji, for weeks on end now. But Kōtarō was a stubborn man. Of course he doesn’t budge. Maybe this time, he’ll seep his way back into Keiji’s heart. Maybe there’ll suddenly be a miracle... a glimpse of recognition.

Kōtarō paved his way to the unsettling path going to Keji’s room. His beloved was still sleeping soundly.

Keiji, who was half-asleep, felt a feather-like caress on his face, it was soft, as if trying not to wake him up. He didn’t budge because it might be awkward, so he tried his best to remain in his current position.

“You’re… the best thing that ever happened to me. And even if your mind forgets, I hope… someday, your heart will remember. Even just a glimpse… please.” The voice said in a whisper and in between his quiet sobs.

_Do something, Keiji._

But he couldn’t get himself to think of a way to comfort the sobbing man, most especially when he’s the reason for his loneliness. He remained motionless, trying his best to look naturally asleep even if his senses were wide awake. He felt a slight pang in his chest as the man continued with his quiet sobbing.

_Stop crying over me. I’m a lost cause. Stop hoping. It’s futile._

Keiji moved, acting as if he just woke up and rubbed his eyes. He heard a swift movement of the chair, as if the person sitting on it had panicked. And he did. He quickly ran to Keiji’s side, beaming at him.

“Hi, Keiji!” His eyes were bloodshot but he put on a blinding smile.

_Why is he pretending to be fine when he’s obviously not?_

Keiji only nodded in acknowledgement.

“You woke up earlier than usual! Do you want to eat already? I brought you your favorite onigiri!”

_Onigiri is my favorite?_

_It’s laughable how he didn’t even have a sense of identity. It’s frustrating._

_Damn it._

Keiji made no answer and instead faced the window, feeling that the walls he built around his heart would collapse if he’d lasted one more second looking at the man. It was dark outside, only the moon and a couple stars looked down on them.

Kōtarō was dejected with the rejection but it’s...alright. After all, it’s Keiji. He would do anything for Keiji.

Silence ensued the room and both men were left to their thoughts.

Not remembering a single thing about yourself, your life and even your husband is like experiencing a lucid dream. Your senses are awake, but your body is asleep. You know what’s happening, but you can’t do anything. You try to move, but you can’t. You try to remember, but you can’t. Well, you can’t remember something you don’t know. Nor something you once knew. Because you’re sick. And a hopeless one, at that.

_I’m just another hopeless case._

_That’s why I’m begging you to please leave._

_I can’t grow attached. You’re too good to me._

“Please leave.” Keiji tried to sound as clear and emotionless as possible.

“You know I can’t do that, Keiji!” Kōtarō’s voice was strained.

“Yes you can. Goodnight.”

_Stop_.

“Keiji, don’t be stubborn, please? I’m here to take care of you… just please let me do this for you.”

“I can manage myself.”

“No you can’t! You need total assistance with eating, dressing up and walking, Keiji! Your condition is declining!”

Surprised with the sudden outburst, Keiji stiffened.

_Yeah, I know._

He scoffed, “Right. That’s why I’m asking you to leave.”

“Okay, I’ll respect that, ‘Ji.”

No, he won’t give up of course. He just doesn’t want to add to the mental stress Keiji is going through. He quietly left the room and spent the rest of the evening in the hospital’s garden, waiting for restlessness to take over as a prompt to go home.

This is how evenings are now for Kōtarō. Alone and silently wishing to the stars above that his soulmate may at least remember him. Even just for the last time. Even just a fleeting sense of recognition. Please… to the gods above me… I’m begging.

-

Maybe he was too intrusive. Maybe he should start from scratch. Kōtarō thought to himself as he followed the same path, like a needle and thread making their way through a garment, creating the same cross stitch over and over again.

He breathed deeply as if oxygen was his courage.

Today’s gonna be different.

He quietly opened the door and distinguished that Keiji was already awake. He was just staring at the ceiling. Pale. Even thinner than usual. It was disconcerting, but Kōtarō brushed off the alarming thought.

“Hey, Keiji!” He grinned.

Keiji did his best to face the man who had just called him.

_Amazing how he can smile like that as if I didn’t hurt him yesterday._

This time, Kōtarō wasn’t greeted with a blank stare, nor a simple nod.

“Hello.”

“Oh wow! I’d never thought you’d acknowledge me like that again!” Kōtarō laughed. “But yeah, I’m sorry I might’ve been too hasty… I didn’t mean to barge into your life like that… I should’ve taken it slow. So… let’s start from scratch?”

_Ha. Starting from scratch at the end of my life. Ironic._

_What’s the harm in doing so, though? Just give the old man a chance._

“Sure, I guess…”

“Keiji! Wow, I feel like I’m on a roll today!” He heartily cackled as he sat comfortably on the chair beside Keij’s hospital bed.

_Does this guy ever stop smiling or laughing?_

“So first things first, I’m Kōtarō and I do a little beetle-hunting and well, they’re cute! What else? During my prime years I played for MSBY! It’s my volleyball family! It was fun! I had fun! Everyone was great! Talented! Strong!!!” Kōtarō ran out of adjectives to describe his teammates as he blabbered.

His eyes twinkled when talking about the things that make him happy. It was as if there was a universe to explore inside him, and his eyes were nebulas or star factories, and the fleeting shine that manifests whenever he talks about his passions were the stars. And Keiji would love to see the materialization of the heavenly bodies in front of him. Over and over again.

“Tell me more about MSBY.”

“You really really wanna know?” The man glowed as if he wasn’t bright enough.

“Why not.”

“Great! Great! ‘Cause I got a lot to tell you! Uh… Meian! He was a really good Captain! Very dependable! Right now, he’s living in the West, he’s doing good with his family! Inu-san is our libero! Loved to poke at Tsum-Tsum! No idea where he’s at but I’m sure he’s well, especially he’s with Tomas! Speaking of Tomas, he’s so friendly and loved to give high fives! And then… Barnes! A skilled giant! He’s so cool, he’s good at everything and he’s nice too! Last time I heard of him, he’s been endlessly traveling… Then we have Shōyō! Ah, my favorite student! He’s gotten so good. Coaching a team with his husband and forever rival, Kageyama. Hm… Omi! Hot, curly-haired with flexy wrists… yeah he’s really good, too. There was always a bit of tension because he was top 3 and I was top 5 ace, but I don’t mind! He’s grown even more weary of me when I caught him hugging Tsum Tsum, though! Didn’t know he was clingy when they’re alone! Teased them endlessly. And well, yeah, Tsum Tsum, great man! Pain in the ass, though. But I’m glad he’s doing well with Sakusa.” Kōtarō jabbered abundantly.

Keiji gave him a soft smile. The first time after months.

_I knew this day will be different._

The rest of the night, Kōtarō indulged in filling the room with his illimitable chattering. Reminiscing about his childhood, and everything he could think of.

“Where was I throughout all those years, Kōtarō?” A question that caught him off guard.

His then, star-bright gaze was now dull, avoiding Keiji’s inquisitive look.

“You can talk about everything. So... what was I doing? Was I good to you?” Keiji probed further.

Kōtarō couldn’t look up. He was fidgeting with his fingers, not knowing what to reply.

“I just want to remember, so please… answer me…” Keiji wanted to poke Kōtarō to get his attention, but his muscles were too weak.

Kōtarō, still looking down at his hands suddenly spoke, “Well… you were always...there. And you were so good to me...that’s why…” His voice cracked and he stopped mid-sentence to wipe his tears.

It pained Keiji to watch this wonderful man weeping for him. Oh how much he wanted to wipe the tears off his face. But, right, life just fucks with him, because he can’t. Not that he doesn’t want to, because for him it’s the only thing he wants to do right now, even more than breathing. But it’s because he can’t. He can’t raise his hand just to do the simplest things. He was crippled. A damn side effect of the physical decline of Alzheimer’s.

Keiji’s heart is weeping, however his face is blank. The excruciating pain inside of him couldn’t translate in his expressions. He could only stare at the man he once loved… and the man who he’s starting to grow fond of.

_No. This can’t be. I can’t bear the burden of leaving someone behind. I can’t look at the man who’s been bringing me so much joy the past few months and suddenly leave. My internal turmoils are conflicted. He can’t take much more of this._

“Leave.”

“You know… I can’t do that...right?”

_He’s right. This old man’s been going here back and forth no matter how many times I push him away._

_Perhaps I can give him a chance._

_No. Once my time’s up, I’ll only hurt him. I’m not even gone yet and he’s shedding tears for me already._

_But that’s exactly why I’m here in the hospital, right? To get treated?_

_Yes. There’s no guarantee, though. My body is rejecting the medication. It’s senseless._

_Is there really anything in this world that is promised? Tides are always changing, so are seasons, and so are people… so maybe I can… risk this. Because at this point, he’s the only thing I’m sure of._

“Maybe you can stay...”

“I always will.”

-

Weeks passed and Kōtarō never faltered. Not a day did he miss to visit Keiji. Which the latter didn’t seem to mind. He’s only been intently listening to the seemingly endless, however entertaining, babbles of Kōtarō.

And Keiji grows more and more fond of the fact that there’s this person, who’s willing to give up everything for him.

_But would he still be as enthusiastic knowing everything he does is futile?_

It was past midnight when the Dr. Shirabu broke the news to Keiji, just as Kōtarō had left.

“The vaccine seems to not be working on you. Your body is rejecting it. You’re growing more and more pallid and thin by the day, your bowel and bladder functions aren’t getting any better, and swallowing food is a challenging thing for you. Your pneumonia is a side effect of your disease and it is developing and not getting any better... I’m sorry, but this is the last resort. We’ve reached our limits. It’s just hoping for a miracle by now.”

Swallowing food is hard, but swallowing the news of his condition may be the hardest thing ever. He already anticipated this. He already believed this, he already imagined how Dr. Shirabu would tell him that he’s dying and he can’t do anything. But it’s still so damn hard for Keiji to acknowledge. He wanted to punch a wall, he wanted to remove the dextrose from the back of his hand and run somewhere— or rather, someone. He wanted to run away with Kōtarō to the furthest end of the world and hold him tight until everything doesn’t hurt anymore. Until he’s fine again. Until he can remember everything again.

But with his condition, he can’t. So he laid there, staring up into the bland and white ceiling, and his vision starting to blur with the tears overflowing and his quiet sobs.

He couldn’t even wipe his tears. That’s how defenseless he is. Maybe if Kōtarō were here, he would cry with Keiji. Maybe he would even win the contest of who sobs the loudest. Maybe then he could cling to someone and feel better because of his warmth.

“P-please… call...him.” Keiji struggled to utter.

“Are you… sure about that?” Dr. Shirabu’s voice softened as he questioned with much concern and empathy evident.

Keiji fell silent. He specifically told them to shower the news to him, and he’ll be the one to tell Kōtarō. He wants the truth to be disclosed by himself. He wants to see how Kōtarō would react. Keiji wants to be there when he weeps. Even if he can barely move, he wants to stay by Kōtarō’s side.

Finally, Keiji weakly nodded.

He wanted to be strong. He wanted to stand up and beam the way Kōtarō does. He just wants to be normal. He just wants to remember. He wants to walk normally and wrap Kōtarō in his arms. He’s gonna try.

After Dr. Shirabu left, with all that’s left of Keiji’s willpower, he did his best to sit down...slowly… excruciatingly painful… it was a success. Willpower indeed is a mighty thing. Carefully, he moved his left leg, and then his right. Now he’s sitting down at the edge of the bed. Last thing to do is stand up… He cautiously puts the pressure in his arms to push him to be on his feet, but his legs fail him and Keiji completely collapses on the floor.

Tears started to well up in Keiji’s eyes. Not because of the painful impact on the glacial and rigid floor, but because he felt defenseless, like a person with no arms nor legs in the middle of a desert. This time he needed someone. He wanted to see someone. He was waiting for that someone.

As Keiji laid on the floor, crying, it’s as if the heavens heard his plea as the door burst open and he showed up.

“Kō…” He mutters shakily.

Pained and blood ran cold, Kōtarō started welling up, but still rushed to his side and assisted him back to the comfort of his bed.

“W-what are you trying to do, Keiji?”

“Kōtarō...I...I’m incurable.”

“What? You must be kidding, right? I mean, y-you’re vaccinated every week, right? So there’s no way this is hap-”

“Stop, Kō. I can see the way you try to smile when you enter the room… you know it. You can see it. I’m a dying man.”

Both of them fell silent, only sniffles filled the air. The room was dark and cold, so are their hearts. But the moon’s breathtaking ribbons of white light weaved their way on the weeping men’s silhouette.

“Y-you know, Keiji… I w-wouldn’t know what to do if I’d lost you… Everything was so easy with you, y’know? We were… inseparable. We’re goddamn soulmates, for fuck’s sake! You’re everything to me, Keiji. It’s like I was made to love you. The world conspired for us to meet and... here we are! B-but now…” Kōtarō held Keiji tight and sobbed at the crook of his neck.

“A-and no matter how many times you kick me out of your life and this room… I’ll always come crawling back to you because... it’s you. It’s always gonna be you. And I’ll spend the rest of my life thinking about you…” Kōtarō continued, hugging him even tighter.

“So please, Keiji… dream a little dream of me… and even just a fleeting sense of recognition…” Kōtarō got out of the hug and pressed their foreheads together.

“Then sing me to sleep, Kō… I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore. And… stay here… don’t leave me anymore when I’m sleeping. It feels nice… having you here.”

-

_Black_. Keiji felt like a visionless man. Everything was dark and stagnant. He didn’t know where he was, or what he’s doing there. Still, he remained standing and motionless. Then suddenly, a wild gush of wind passed by, along with a myriad of blinding lights that made him squint. Keiji tried to open his eyes and make something out of the sudden and violent change in the atmosphere of the once pitch black room. Then there he saw, much like movie tape rolls, presenting all his memories before his disease. It was all so surreal, identical to the feeling of listening to the transition of John to Paul’s verse in A Day In The Life. It was ethereal. It felt like astral projecting but he was just fixed on the ground, watching as his life passed by in front of his eyes.

Many of the memories contained Kōtarō. He smiled bitterly as tears rushed out from his eyes.

_Kōtarō, I can remember now._

-

Keiji’s eyes opened violently. His gaze was met with the loving look from the man in his dreams.

_He really is the sun and the stars._

Eudoxus,a famous astronomer, thought that there was nothing more perfect than a sphere. Well, Lady Luck isn’t on his side, that’s because he hasn’t seen Kōtarō.

Keiji, with his best effort, gave him a radiant and heartfelt grin.

Kōtarō was stunned. Eyes wide, and mouth open with questioning eyebrows.

“T-thank you… for staying with me all these years.” Keiji tried to reach out for Kōtarō’s hand and weakly squeezed it.

“Always with me, Kō… always.”

Hit with the sudden realization, Kōtarō started welling up again. As if he hasn’t exhausted his tear ducts for the past few months. As if the pain handed to him wasn’t enough.

He sat on Keiji’s bed and pressed his lips on the latter’s forehead. Kōtarō collected Keiji and held onto him like he was his life line.

Soon enough, he loosened from the hug, cupped and stared at Keiji’s face, trying to process how the world is in his hands, and is looking right back at him. Kōtarō tried to memorize every feathery white strands of hair falling on Keiji’s face, his perfectly sloped nose, his thin and pale lips, every lovely wrinkle, and those captivating eyes.

They stared at each other like that as the sun peacefully waking from its slumber, and its golden rays luminesced.

“Kōtarō, your eyes… are so beautiful. I feel at peace knowing… they’re the final things I see… before closing mine.”

“K-Keiji? What?”

Even though the sun was shining, Keiji’s vision was turning dark. It felt like the room was too small for him to breathe. It was suffocating. He tried to gasp for air, but his lungs could only take so much. And with one last deep breath,

“I’ll be waiting.” Three words that’ll forever haunt Kōtarō.

The last thing Keiji heard was Kōtarō’s wailing and calling out his name, as he descended into eternal darkness.

Kōtarō was screaming. The pain was unimaginable. He knelt on the floor, beside Keiji’s bed as he couldn’t bear to even glance at Keiji anymore, because if he will, he wouldn’t be able to look away. He was left high and dry. He was dumbfounded. It was a pain worse than a million cuts and you’re left to bleed. It was the pain of something unthinkable. More like the feeling of all pains in the world being collected in one big ball and letting you swallow it. Over and over again.

He remained like so, until Keiji’s body was collected.

The shining sun was insulting. How could it beam like that when Kōtarō had just lost his love? How could his heart continue to beat despite what just happened? How could the birds still sing? How is everything the same? But more than all of those, why Keiji? That, he couldn’t understand.

-

The sound of summer brings ataraxia— the state of blissful and serene calmness. It is the crashing of the waves, the splashing of sea water as kids play, accompanied by light bursts of giggles—speaking of kids, Kōtarō and Keiji had not dared to bear— noise coming from portable radios, occasional bike bells and the gushing of wind.

The sound of winter brings pain— it’s agonizingly silent. Deafening. It is the silence where Kōtarō’s thoughts take over and fill in the absence of noise around him. It hasn’t been this silent since Keiji was gone. Thoughts of memories with Keiji. How they spent many summers, listening to the nostalgic symphony of their surroundings. How they spent many winters, snuggling and how their days turned into nights. And thoughts of how Keiji smiles brightly— the kind that’s only reserved for Kōtarō. His little chuckles when he reads a funny bit from a book. How he’d brush his hair, how he’d suddenly blurt out metaphors and book references. Keiji. Keiji, his husband. Keiji, his soulmate. Keiji, his greatest friend. Keiji, his world. Keiji was everything to him. Keiji opened the universe in Kōtarō‘s heart, and let in the light coming from him penetrate inside. But now he’s left Kōtarō in the dark. The contrast of his plethora of thoughts and the gush of silence was insufferable.

What happened to Keiji brought immense pain, no doubt. It was like the world was ending when Kōtarō lost his love. However overlooking the lake from a hill brought a familiar sense of comfort in him— just like when Keiji rubs his back to calm him down, his forehead kisses, his mere presence. Keiji’s presence. How he missed that.

He’d hoped that Keiji would tell a bad joke one last time, or at least call him his sun, his star or all the metaphors he would associate Kōtarō with for one last time. But it’s impossible, now that he’s gone. Kōtarō tightly hugged the notebook Keiji would always write on as if it was his source of mortality.

He’s locked in his endless thoughts of his late husband and it made Kōtarō want to cry. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. But it feels as though he took all the tears with him and all that’s left in Kōtarō is a hollow hole in the size of a 6 foot tall man. After what happened, everything didn’t taste the same, it was always tinted with love and warmth, but it’s now gone. Neither did their house smell the same. Even if Kōtarō didn’t want to forget how Keiji smelled like cherry blossoms, the smell of his clothes faded. Kōtarō felt like fading, too.

The sky is turning dark and the sun is kissing the line of the end of the lake. Sunsets are wonderful things, aren’t they? It symbolizes an end of a journey, perhaps. Or the descent into the blanket of night.

It’s exactly the latter. Kōtarō can’t anymore bear the pain of the loss of his other half. As the darkness slowly fills the horizon, Kōtarō can slowly feel the discomfort and strain in breathing. It’s as if breathing only brought agony. He can feel his near end. He will meet Keiji again. Isn’t that fantastic?

But before he ceases to live, he thought of his favorite quote from a book Keiji lent him:

“You— you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You - only you - will have stars that can laugh.”

That was Keiji for him. But now, when you, my dear reader, look up at the night sky, you shall think of this. The story of Kōtarō and Keiji’s unconditional love that will forever live in one of the stars that shine so brightly at night.

They will meet again in a short while, that’s for sure. They are the protagonists of the world— and perhaps the heavens— after all.

**Author's Note:**

> The unrealistic scenarios and medical errors are for fic writing purposes only! Again, thank you!
> 
> See you on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/rice__kita?s=21)!


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